I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
