WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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