She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
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I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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