A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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