Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
