when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
