Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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