I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
