Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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