Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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