Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
