btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
