the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
