You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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