I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize
