I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
