i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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