I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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