If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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