o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
