Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
