Non-Jews are for practice
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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