apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
sarcasm needs its own font
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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