someone threw a dead crab at me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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