i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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