I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
