google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
