I want to walk on stilts...naked
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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