Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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