I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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