Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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