Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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