I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
