Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
