my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
