i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
