im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
