Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
