the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize