I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
