I am puke
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
