I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
