I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
