Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
