Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
