TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
