I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip