Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
