Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
