You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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