they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
