there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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