we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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