I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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