listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
